I thought about if I even wanted to write about this or anything for that matter. But I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it was getting toxic. I remembered how much writing meant to me. How much writing saved me from myself. It was my therapy when I couldn't bring the words out of myself. Despite that I haven't been moved to write or create in a very long time. And then, I lost my daughter.
I wanted to honor her memory and not forget her. I wanted to have something tangible to cement that she was here. I wanted her with me. The only way I could think to do this was to share my thoughts. Maybe it would be easier to deal with the grief; the loss. There are some things that you can't get over. I hope that through this, someone else will be helped or their pain will be easier to deal with.
So here's my story:
It was a happy surprise when my wife and I discovered that we were pregnant last year. We did approach it with cautious happiness because we had a miscarriage the previous year. We were holding our breath after every appointment and check up. I remember the sonogram appointment and seeing our baby for the first time wiggling around. She was tucked in the corner refusing to give us a better view. A trait I associated with my wife. Her heartbeat was so strong.
Our optimism grew and we started to plan for our life as parents naturally do. Before we knew it we were clear of the first trimester. I was able to relax a little bit . After all, the books my wife was reading stated that the chances for carrying a child to full term increased once you cleared this first hurdle. We started to tell our family and friends we were expecting. I remember all the support and kind advice we got from them. Things seem to fall into place. And then, I got that call from my wife that morning.....
I was at work when she called. I could hear the concern and fear in her voice. She told me that she was standing in the room and felt something damp rush down her legs. She said she was on her way to the hospital with her mom. I left work to meet her there. I want to believe that I was more hopeful given the news. But, I immediately thought the worst when I was on the phone. But I wanted to be strong for my wife. She didn't need another negative voice in her head.
When I arrived at the hospital, I remember trying my best not to be emotional. I didn't want to overthink what may or may not be happening. I finally got to the waiting room where my wife and mother in law were. I saw the concern that was on her face though she was trying to be brave. It broke my heart. I knew that this was not normal. All we could do is wait. Many doctors came and went. They were telling us about the tests they were running to get to the bottom of what was happening. Often, I felt as if they already knew more but were not telling us for some reason . Eventually, they confirmed our suspicions.
They told us that all the amniotic fluid had drained, leaving not much room for our daughter. But she was not developed enough to live outside of the womb. At this point, I remember thinking, "Ok, its a complication but we can deliver her early." I wasn't prepared to hear that there was nothing they could do to keep her alive. The only option was for my wife to deliver her. Our daughter had no chance of surviving this.
It was so final. It was so cold and definite. I remember how quiet it was after hearing this. It didn't make any sense. Our daughter still had a heartbeat. They should have told us that our daughter was going to die in the first place. It would not have made the pain any worse than we felt. We asked all the questions we could. We asked about alternatives, research on deliveries at this trimester, survival rates, anything that could give us some hope. There just was not any to give. I was very numb from the shock. We had to choose our babies' death, D&C or induce labor with zero chance of survival. I knew my wife's head was spinning from all of this. It was an impossible decision to make.
I remember her mother trying to force her to make a decision right there. I was furious because it was so insensitive to the weight of the decision. Having life pulled from you is no easy thing to accept; especially for the mother. I told her we didn't have to make a choice right now. Ultimately, we decided go home with our daughter and have one more night with her before we had to face the inevitable. I just kept thinking about my wife and what she must be going through. I could do nothing to fix this or alleviate her pain.
That night was the hardest. It was full of sadness, confusion, and eerie quiet. I could feel the hope just draining from us. Our dreams dimming. All we had were each other for comfort. I wasn't sure it was enough but, it was all we had. We talked about all the firsts we would never have. Her first steps, first words, and first day of school would all remain unreachable possibilities trapped in our minds. I thought about all the music I wanted to play for her, specifically the first song I wanted her to hear. We talked to her too. We told her that Mommy and Daddy will always love you but God needed to hold on to you a little longer. I don't think either of us slept that night.
Then came the day.... well more like a couple of days
We were waiting to get checked in to our room on the delivery ward. How cruel it seemed to be rooming next to those who were anticipating their new babies coming home with them. All the excitement and preparation they had for a new future. But my wife and I knew ours. We knew the fate of Sasha. What made this even more difficult, was they still had to induce labor. My wife had to go through all the pain and stress of delivery. I held her hand throughout it all. We still prayed for a miracle. But when Sasha came, she was gone......
There was the truth of all of this right there in front of us. Our baby girl was swaddled up and given to us to hold. I remember being so scared to hold her because of how small she was. We knew that this chapter was over, but we didn't know that this would begin a long journey for us......
I will stop there for now. The rest of our story will continue on a future post. Thanks for taking the time to read. God bless.
So here's my story:
It was a happy surprise when my wife and I discovered that we were pregnant last year. We did approach it with cautious happiness because we had a miscarriage the previous year. We were holding our breath after every appointment and check up. I remember the sonogram appointment and seeing our baby for the first time wiggling around. She was tucked in the corner refusing to give us a better view. A trait I associated with my wife. Her heartbeat was so strong.
Our optimism grew and we started to plan for our life as parents naturally do. Before we knew it we were clear of the first trimester. I was able to relax a little bit . After all, the books my wife was reading stated that the chances for carrying a child to full term increased once you cleared this first hurdle. We started to tell our family and friends we were expecting. I remember all the support and kind advice we got from them. Things seem to fall into place. And then, I got that call from my wife that morning.....
I was at work when she called. I could hear the concern and fear in her voice. She told me that she was standing in the room and felt something damp rush down her legs. She said she was on her way to the hospital with her mom. I left work to meet her there. I want to believe that I was more hopeful given the news. But, I immediately thought the worst when I was on the phone. But I wanted to be strong for my wife. She didn't need another negative voice in her head.
When I arrived at the hospital, I remember trying my best not to be emotional. I didn't want to overthink what may or may not be happening. I finally got to the waiting room where my wife and mother in law were. I saw the concern that was on her face though she was trying to be brave. It broke my heart. I knew that this was not normal. All we could do is wait. Many doctors came and went. They were telling us about the tests they were running to get to the bottom of what was happening. Often, I felt as if they already knew more but were not telling us for some reason . Eventually, they confirmed our suspicions.
They told us that all the amniotic fluid had drained, leaving not much room for our daughter. But she was not developed enough to live outside of the womb. At this point, I remember thinking, "Ok, its a complication but we can deliver her early." I wasn't prepared to hear that there was nothing they could do to keep her alive. The only option was for my wife to deliver her. Our daughter had no chance of surviving this.
It was so final. It was so cold and definite. I remember how quiet it was after hearing this. It didn't make any sense. Our daughter still had a heartbeat. They should have told us that our daughter was going to die in the first place. It would not have made the pain any worse than we felt. We asked all the questions we could. We asked about alternatives, research on deliveries at this trimester, survival rates, anything that could give us some hope. There just was not any to give. I was very numb from the shock. We had to choose our babies' death, D&C or induce labor with zero chance of survival. I knew my wife's head was spinning from all of this. It was an impossible decision to make.
I remember her mother trying to force her to make a decision right there. I was furious because it was so insensitive to the weight of the decision. Having life pulled from you is no easy thing to accept; especially for the mother. I told her we didn't have to make a choice right now. Ultimately, we decided go home with our daughter and have one more night with her before we had to face the inevitable. I just kept thinking about my wife and what she must be going through. I could do nothing to fix this or alleviate her pain.
That night was the hardest. It was full of sadness, confusion, and eerie quiet. I could feel the hope just draining from us. Our dreams dimming. All we had were each other for comfort. I wasn't sure it was enough but, it was all we had. We talked about all the firsts we would never have. Her first steps, first words, and first day of school would all remain unreachable possibilities trapped in our minds. I thought about all the music I wanted to play for her, specifically the first song I wanted her to hear. We talked to her too. We told her that Mommy and Daddy will always love you but God needed to hold on to you a little longer. I don't think either of us slept that night.
Then came the day.... well more like a couple of days
We were waiting to get checked in to our room on the delivery ward. How cruel it seemed to be rooming next to those who were anticipating their new babies coming home with them. All the excitement and preparation they had for a new future. But my wife and I knew ours. We knew the fate of Sasha. What made this even more difficult, was they still had to induce labor. My wife had to go through all the pain and stress of delivery. I held her hand throughout it all. We still prayed for a miracle. But when Sasha came, she was gone......
There was the truth of all of this right there in front of us. Our baby girl was swaddled up and given to us to hold. I remember being so scared to hold her because of how small she was. We knew that this chapter was over, but we didn't know that this would begin a long journey for us......
I will stop there for now. The rest of our story will continue on a future post. Thanks for taking the time to read. God bless.
